|image from "She Reads Truth"|
Mornings are really hectic for me. Even on the days that I try to have everything prepared the night before - i.e. last night - I still can't seem to get it all together in time and make it out the door by my goal of 7:20. Even when I am prepared the babies end up being difficult. Gavin is in this full-on whiny stage and we've done everything to try and nip that. Answering/Acknowledging him immediately, distractions, time-outs, spankings. He's still a 2 year old and maybe it's the new sibling thing but It Wears Me Out. Oh the whining.
When it's 7:10 and he hasn't eaten breakfast and he's throwing a fit about what shirt to wear I lose it. I am sinful and dark and I lose it. And i become a 2 year old. I slam cabinet doors. I sharply respond to his needs. This morning I heard him start the typical whine "uhhhh, uhhhh" and I replied with WHAT GAVIN. And his eyes fell and his little chin quivered and I felt it.
First the guilt. The weight of our sin. The I'm not a good mom. The I hurt my child. The how can I do this. The frustration with now I'm going to be even later.
So thankfully I felt something else next. The joy in my failings and shortcomings. Jesus is sufficient to bear my sin and has covered it.
I hugged my son and asked him to forgive me. That mama was so sorry for shouting. Then I asked if he would pray with me. And he held my hand as I asked forgiveness and more patience and more tenderness and a clean heart. And every morning is a challenge. That's just how it is right now. It's hectic and babies are unpredictable and sometimes Holland nurses forever and sometimes what I pick out to wear gets spit up on and I have to change and sometimes Gavin can't pick out a shirt or breakfast or he wants me to carry him downstairs and it's hard and it's frustrating and I feel torn between caring for my family in the way that they need and getting to work on time. And I want to quit and I want to slam doors. But my constant prayer is a clean heart. And I know that God is helping and going to continue to help me. I'm never going to be perfectly patient but I can always fall at the feet of Jesus for forgiveness and He gives grace. And I can teach my children that there is the sweetest place and the most welcoming place for sinners like me.