Lately

Lately, I've been treasuring a lot of moments like this one. Gavin comes along to Holland "I cuddle baby sister!" lays on her with his whole giant toddler head and grins. Then he'll pat her a few times on the chest and be on about his trucks/trains/cars.

Lately, I've been really trying to read the Bible everyday. I started off strong with the whole chronological reading plan, but it's over halfway through the year and I'm in Numbers, so...

Lately, I've noticed my wardrobe shifting to neutrals: navy, black, white, and stripes. And nothing else. I feel so me.

Lately, I've been wearing a sunhat everywhere.

Lately, I've realized that as a mom the purse has become obsolete. Wallet in the diaper bag you go.

Lately, we've been watching Nemo and Mickey Mouse but then Thomas and Nemo and Nemo and Dude Crush!

Lately, I've been really proud and inspired by my husbands perseverance and determination to become healthier. While eating cookies...

Lately, I binge watched Hell on Wheels season 4. Am I the only person who watches this. The internet is all, "OITNB" and I really could care less. Give me Cullen Bohannon!

Lately, I've been anxiously watching a probably brown recluse bite heal. The internet makes it seem a lot worse than it was. Still, should we burn down the house?

Lately, I've been praying for a lot of babies. Why does the internet have to share such heartbreaking stories. This is one news avenue that I'd rather remain ignorant about. I have several friends with sick children. Actually sick children. And then the stories of unwanted babies. Seriously, bring me all the unwanted babies. I will love them all for you.

Lately, we've been missing Dillan. I tried taking the blanket out of his chair and Gavin lost it saying "No! Boof's chair! No mama!" but he didn't realize that there is not boof to go into the chair. We do miss him. 

It's funny how the more you write them things open up. Thanks internet for being my digital diary. You're special to me. 

On Pride

Gavin officially turned 14 months two days ago. And he's still not walking. Sure he can climb up the stairs himself. He'll push along his walker and cruise down the sofa. He will even humor me by walking holding my hands for a few steps. Then he lifts his feet and whines until he's placed back onto his bottom. 

And I am so frustrated by this.

We've talked about comparison.

And how I'm going to seek joy instead.

But when all the 10 month olds around you are up and walking. It's hard. I go to a place of comparison. Of doubt. Of fear. "Is my baby okay?" "Is he normal?" And while deep down I know he is, I let Satan put me into this dark place. And even place blame onto my son! "Why is he doing this to meeeee???"

And I wonder why he's so dramatic...

But really, what is there to be afraid of. 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Wait...Be thankful. Right. 

He will walk, and one day soon. And while I might secretly roll my eyes at all the parents who try to tell me I'll wish he was still just crawling, I can find joy in the moment.  That he loves crawling a few steps and twisting around with a giggle to see if we're chasing him yet. That he makes yummy "mmm" sounds when he's eating something he really loves (read: hot dog). That he climbs up onto me and gives the largest wettest kiss (read: blows raspberry) on my face or neck.  These are the moments.

Hello friends

Oh, hai everyone...

I haven't been here in a while. And it's certainly not because I haven't been thinking about you daily my dear blog.  It's that I'm still catching up to my new life.  Still adjusting to being a mom, and on top of that a full time working mom. And on top of that house searching, and child care searching, and remembering to spend a little time with husband and this poor neglected puppy.

Becoming a parent has got to be the most traumatic and dramatic change life can ever throw at you. Regardless of how "ready" you are, you're never fully prepared to actually die to yourself for this other being. Never fully aware of how self centered you (I) actually are (am) until your life actually does revolve around a 18 lb chunk of a boy.

I've so missed writing to you, sharing with you.  My heart drops a little when I see posts of projects, or when I see a blogger who's devoted to posting content regularly begin to gain followers. I'll think, "I want that."  I enjoy writing here. In the midst of the hardships of motherhood, my thoughts of this blog have been a friend, and I now realize that I should have shared with you much more often, not just for my sanity, but just in case someone out there in the internet world might be experiencing something similar.

So, here I am. I hope very much to talk to you soon and regularly. And for that new design I promised... It's around, and might come up sometime.

Also, one final note: happy two-years "Our Dog Dillan". sorry I missed your birthday.

Thanks for sticking around

I choose Joy

Around the blog world, and the whole world, there's been a lot of resolve today. A day where we dream up the biggest and brightest ideas for how to change this year or how to improve this year. 

Friends, I need change, and I need improvement.

I spent my NYE in a dump, and most of this day in a dump. Our move to Nashville was, without a doubt, the best move for us, but it was a special night like this to make me miss everything I had in our old town. Namely, A group of friends who I knew were having a great time together, and I was here, with no one but a husband and a dog. 

Wait a second...

I am here with an amazing husband who loves me more everyday, reminds me that I am beautiful while my body is spiraling out of control, and constantly points me back to Christ.  I am here with a dog who has the best puppy eyes, loves to cuddle, and is a gal's best friend.

So why the heck am I down?

The answer is simple.  I am lonely. Despite meeting friends at work and church i haven't quite made it in there. Haven't quite connected yet.

The answer is easy.  I am scared. In 6 months (exactly) I will be a mom. I'll be a mom with debt. I'll be a mom with a small apartment. I'll be a mom who's never been a mom before. 

I'll be a mom with a husband to raise a child by her side. I'll be a mom with a roof over my head, air conditioning to keep the baby cool or warm, running water to keep baby clean.  I'll be a mom.

So this year, I choose to have Joy.

I choose to turn back to my blessings, to remind myself of all that I have when I deserve none of it. I choose to be thankful. 

I'm going to fail. I'm going to get low. I'm going to have days when all I want to do is think on everything I can't have. And I'm going to cry. But this year, I want to choose, in these moments, to be joyful for what I have.

Well that was nice

I've wanted to write. Honestly I have. When we announced our news to the digital world, I was completely overcome by all of the kind words and well wishes. Seriously, after a few weeks of feeling overwhelmed, scared, and alone, all of the congratulations changed my perspective immediately, and I can honestly say that I am excited about being pregnant, becoming a parent, and yes even giving birth.

But despite all the warmth we received, I just didn't feel motivated to say anything here in my digital corner. I have been perfectly content watching Revenge on netflix and taking 40 minute long steaming hot shower every night before I go to bed. At 9... 

Oh, and not doing any chores. Like ever. 

So all that to say, I'm back, and I feel a commitment and an energy to blog. So thanks for sticking around readers.

And you - anonymous follower - you don't have to be shy! But if you want to be that's okay too. Just wanted you to know I see you (sort of).

Happy weekend.

Why we left

I am currently surrounded by a multitude of soccer moms out with their kids probably on the way to the country club to swim for the day. I was told by a friend that Johnson city has a definite aesthetic, especially in the way people dress. I had never noticed. After being in east Tennessee for 8 years it seemed very normal for me to pull on Chacos with a pair of skinny jeans and a fitted tee. Well the Panera Bread Franklin, TN is characterized by moms in fancy workout clothes, Nike skorts and underarmour wick-away tanks, and businessmen in blue gingham button ups and pleated pants. Tonight I will get a taste of the east Nashville hipster scene at the monthly supper and song event at Imogene + Willie. I have done my best to fit in with a maxi skirt and white tee. We shall see. I'm very excited. All that to say, Nathan and I have been asked every time we mention our move, "why?". why leave the comfort of a city we know? Why move to a big city where we have no community, few friends, and no jobs? The answer we have generally given is that it is for the music. So Nathan can pursue his career as a professional musician. The city where he has the best chance of making a living on his greatest skills. But it was so much more than that too. Both of us were at the end of the rope with our jobs. Nathan teaching lessons gave him a weird time schedule, which made it difficult to practice and be social and be together when we wanted. I had worked at the same job for 3 years, all 3 through the recession, and did not see a lot of opportunity to grow. We we're being pushed out by the Holy Spirit. That may sound weird. But when doors close in every aspect, it's time to take notice and make the change. So we left, in a leap of faith we jumped. And God has honored that immensely. We had a place to move into months before we moved, in a safe neighborhood, a convenient location, and very close to the only people I know -upstairs. Nathan was provided a job a couple of weeks before we moved. Even though I haven't found a job yet I've had a couple interviews and all of those after we moved. Anyway, I just wanted to throw this out there. Not we are so blessed and wonderful and happy and so on, but that God is huge. And he loves us enough to provide for us. I do not want for anything, and I can claim the promise that even as he shelters the sparrow he will shelter me.

Doe River Gorge

Nathan has been playing at Doe River Gorge for the past 10 years. Last night, he played for the one and probably only time this summer, and possibly the last time for a while.

The first summer that Nathan and I were dating, I came in to visit him and experienced Doe River for the first time. While the band practiced, I spent 2 or so hours on the hill watching campers play in the teal colored lake, reading some sort of book (probably a harry potter...), and feeling that I missed out on some milestone of childhood by never attending a summer camp. Then at 8, we went in for worship, and I was blown away. Growing up in a church with someone who leads hymns and my mom on the piano, I'd never experienced a worship so personal. In the tent, I was surrounded by teenagers worshiping God with no reservation.

I cannot say how much this place has impacted me, my husband, and the thousands of youngsters who attend each summer; but, I know I will miss it dearly.

The Month of Change

I can't decide whether to feel especially excited or anxious about all the changes that June is going to bring.

1. My sister is getting married next weekend. Meaning all 3 of the girls will belong to someone else ending this generation of "Hogans". It's only now that I realize the importance of a lineage, so instead of bearing my father's last name forever I can carry on the values that he taught me and continue to honor him.

2. Nashville. We are crazy people and have decided to move 2 days after returning from a wedding packed weekend. Nathan takes the cake on craziness though because he is starting a new job 2 days after we move. Which, I am okay with, because it means I can unpack things exactly where I want them. Also, beware of the sulking puppy updates. He doesn't handle change well.

3. Unemployment. Since I was 13 I had a job. Even though it started as babysitting in the summers, and progressed to scooping ice cream, then retail, plant work, campus employment, resident director, and then finally to professional employment. I am excited for what Nashville might bring for me, as a designer, for great opportunities, bigger buildings and bigger budgets. But also anxious for finding a job, and then admittedly a little ashamed that I might have to work at a shop for a while. Gotta do whatcha gotta do.

4. My Birthday, and thus, closer to 30 than 20. Age. I thought I was so "mature" when I said I would embrace my silver hairs as I got older and one day look like Helen Mirren, but as I continue to find those bright strands, I feel a little more pressure to dye for a while...

So, for the month of June, I am claiming the promise that God provides, and he does it abundantly and in His good pleasure and in his prefect timing.

And in the meantime I am going to be making ice cream.

Monday

Usually I'm not the kind of working gal that dreads mondays. It's just another day of the week, and the way it starts can set the tone for the next 5 days.

My Monday morning was not a success.

I woke up dazed. One of those mornings where I have to just sit under a quilt and eat buttered muffins while watching the today show for 40 minutes. Yes, it took me 40 minutes to wake up. Also, I got sucked into the whole 'Brangelina' is engaged thing and her 6 carat ring...

That's where vanity gets me...late.

So after wasting 40 minutes on television, I finally started to get ready. This includes packing a lunch for myself and Nathan. 

After pulling out the giant dutch oven, that I'd made a tasty beef and pepper soup in last week, thinking "oh, that will be a great lunch!" I noticed that there was also a poor sad dying little aloe plant that I'd accidentally left out in the frost for 2 days. Poor sad little aloe plant, let me put you in the window sill.

PLOP, into the soup my aloe plant goes, sealing both their fates. 

RAGE runs through my veins as I proceed to slam every door and drawer in a scrambling effort to find myself something to take for lunch. I found blueberries...

HOPE enters for a split second while I think I can just scoop out the dirt with a spoon.

MORE RAGE as I realize that I cannot simply scoop out the dirt. Dirt has fertilizer in it, and I don't want to eat poop soup.

So, I'll spend my lunch driving around town probably ending up at a chic-fil-a. Which really isn't so bad after all.

Hope you all had a better morning.

This one dedicated to the one I love

Over the weekend, a friend and colleague's husband lost his battle against fatty liver disease. I cannot imagine the feeling that comes with such a loss.

Nathan and I have been together for almost 7 years. And my brain is completely unable to even shift a perspective enough to imagine life without him. All I know is I would be devastated. I would have no power to go on. I'd probably give up on most of my ambitions and become a hermit.

All that to say, Nathan I am so thankful for you. I hope and pray to share my entire life and beyond with you. 

vintage nathan and michelle - engagement pictures '08