In my defense...

"In your defense, you had a lot going on."

This is what my mom told me after I emoji cried via text message to her the other day over not taking any photos of Nathan, Gavin, and myself all together at the hospital the day Gavin was born.

I'd just seen a beautiful new family of 3 photo over Facebook, which made me think, "hey, wait a second! I didn't think to do that!" Even after reading and pinning various "don't forget to do these things" posts, I neglected to capture that moment. That moment where we became three.

There are photos of me with the new mom exhaustion look, and Nathan with the new dad elation look. And I know I should be happy to have caught at least that. I know we're a family. And I'll never forget our first minutes in the OR where we became parents. Nathan was so proud that he was "blowing bubbles already" and I was so relieved he was crying so strong and so loud. And words will never describe my feeling when they laid him on my chest and he instantly went silent, recognizing my heartbeat.

The good news is there's still time. We can still capture the three of us. 

We are a family.

whether there's proof or not.

Ready to Change

I know I shouldn't talk about it.

No one wants to read about politics and wars when they're used to seeing squishy baby photos.

But I can't help put feel pulled to the biggest topic at hand.

Syria.  To war or not? Or does anyone else realize that this would be a war?

That's the thing. I don't know. Would America's role be warlike? Would there be soldiers? How many? on the ground or in the air? Does it matter?

All of these questions and I feel like I can't find the answers. Newscasters and public figures are asking me to call my representatives and make sure they know we don't want any part of it. Activists and humanitarians telling me it's my duty to protect the innocent.

I'm sort of the pacifist of my family. I'm not a gun rights supporter, but I'm certainly not anti-gun.  I think that God has said over and over that he alone serves justice and vengeance, so perhaps I never should...

But I'm tired of being uninformed. I'm tired of being told what my stance should be, and furthermore, being scrutinized for it. 

So this is my answer. I'm neutral for the moment. But I may not be for long. The internet is immediately available, as are notable resources. I can make an informed decision, and so can you.

I guess what I'm saying is that we are a generation that can make a difference. Missing persons are found through social media. We ban together for a good cause. We can learn anything and try everything we want to. Why not use our time to create. Why not use our time to educate and inform.

I'm not great at this. I have been watching Breaking Bad on netflix for the past 2 weeks (that walter white is cray...) But I want to know. I don't want to shrug anymore. I don't want to let anyone decide for me. I have no intention of blabbing to the world my opinions just for recognition and debate. This is strictly personal.

I just wanted to share that I've had a bit of a change of heart.

I feel lazy, and even justified in that laziness because heck, I work all day and then nurse a baby for basically 2 straight hours and then it's time to clean and pack lunch and pack the diaper bag and shower and actually take advantage of the next (probably 4 hours) before I wake up again by sleeping for a bit. But as I was listening to npr (old person alert) this morning, I realized that I couldn't take a side because I don't have the information. 

I want the information.

So yeah. thanks little internet nook of mine. always the sounding board that you are.

Milestone #3

From what I've read, babies develop along a series of "milestones". A list of baby's first and thus a list of things for parents to worry about.

According to "baby connect" the first of these is being born. Check. Gold star.

The second is smiles. Gavin smiled in his sleep very early on, but his first legitimate small was recorded around 8 weeks. Since then he hasn't held any back and they are usually accompanied by a long conversation full of oooos aohhhhs and agooos.

The third milestone I added myself. Laughter. C'mon parents, these smiles are great, and these conversations are so sweet to my soul. Literally full of all the good things in life leaving me in a big puddle on the floor kind of thing.  But laughter. Laughter is when we really start talking. When I know that not only am I interesting, but gosh I'm funny! 

It's hard to commit to when baby makes these milestones. Part of me thinks, is it a fluke? Maybe I should wait a while just to be sure. But I'm not gonna let it get reduced to my own control and insecurity. 

Gavin laughed. Somehow, for some reason he thought that dad and I were funny during bath time. We were just talking to him. Telling him about how great baths are, because he usually disagrees, and suddenly this joyous sound erupted out of him. 

"Was that a laugh little man?" We both exclaimed! Yes, I think it was.

So here's to you milestone #3. We love you and can't wait to hear more.

Dear Gavin,

Baby boy, you are 8 weeks old today.  It takes me by complete surprise when I look down at you and see how much you've grown in just 2 short months. Sometimes I find myself looking through all our photos of you and lingering on your newborn ones the most. I guess I've earned my "real mom" status because you are growing up too fast!

But I am simultaneously so excited to keep discovering the man you'll become. Some people can name personalities in their baby as soon as they're here, but I think you're keeping it hidden. You can play on your own, and must be very patient as your rookie parents try to figure this out.

So thanks for being patient little Gavin. You are so loved.

I met Maddie

Because I spend quite a bit of time refining my tumblr page with reblogs from people who have far better taste than I do, I've known about "Maddie on Things" for a while now.

If you don't know of Maddie, she is a charming coonhound, who was adopted by Theron, and now earns her greenies by being extremely well balanced and having way more self control than Dillan ever could.

I follow Theron (@thiswildidea) on instagram and was really excited when I saw an announcement there that he and Maddie would be at Parnassus Books, I really had to go see her for myself.

When I arrived, the place was packed out, but I snuck into line where I purchased their perfect coffee table book with some birthday money, and waited in a looong line to meet Theron and Maddie.

Maddie scampered back and forth throughout the shop, not really wanting anything to do with most people, or would take a break in a leather chair. I did get a sweeping backstroke in as she trotted by at one point!

When I finally got to the signing table, I had no idea what to say... My inner dialog said something like this,

"Um Hi, would you sign your book...?"

Thankfully, Theron saved me from such inevitable awkwardness by asking my name and where I'm at in life. - what a great line!

Luckily, little Gavi gave me a perfect answer, "Well I just became a mom".

I then sheepishly brought up Dillan (like every other dog owner in the store) and dug out the ole' phone to show a picture of my beloved dog (yes, we still love you dillan!) Then we awkward posed!

Holy Cow, 7 weeks!

I can't believe little man is 7 weeks old today!

I've tried to keep up with taking a photo of him every week to keep track of his growth - but I think I've missed a few times.

Anywho - here's what I've got so far!

Ahh! so little!! Technicially this is when we left the hospital so he was really about 3 days old, but this is at his teeny tiniest!

Wearing shorts! 3 weeks old! Still in tiny newborn onesies, but that belly was starting to fill out :)

4 weeks old! Gettin super active exercise time.

5 weeks! We graduated to 0-3 month onesies and went outside to celebreate. Just a great face! He loved laying outside that day.

And 7 weeks old today buddy! We got those terrible 2 month vaccinations, and buddy boy has been feeling it ever since. In - con - sol - a - ble. But he looked great and was following those growth charts to a "T".

If you want to follow along weekly, follow my instagram @mpmerrick and hashtag project #weeklygavin

Your Heart will Rejoice

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.

John 16: 21-22

I cannot say how much these verses meant to me as I sat in church around 6 months pregnant, still terrified of becoming a mother. Joy. You might remember, I challenged myself at the first of 2013 to choose joy for so many reasons. 

These words comforted me throughout the rest of my pregnancy, and I was reciting them to myself throughout the delivery process (which was a process indeed).

I am a high - risk pregnancy.  From the beginning, I knew that I would have to be induced early so that the doctors could time my labor with my going off blood thinners. So at 12 am on May 21st, Nathan and I went into the hospital 10 days before my due date (June 1st) to go into labor. My doctor had been concerned about my (TMI warning) unfavorable cervix, so I started out on cytotec and went to sleep around 1:30 am.  A few hours later the nurses woke me up because I'd gone into labor naturally, much to my relief.

Again, a few hours labor, with very little progression, I was put on pitocin, and eventually had my water broken. Not long after, the contractions intensified, and at the insistence of my high risk doctor, I had an epidural. 

The day progressed, but I did not. We went through lots of rolling back and forth onto different sides as my epidural kept going away on my left side. My contraction sensor went bad and was telling the nurse I was having contractions of about 12 intensity when they were really around 80.  Baby started to give us scares with d-cells and variables in his heart rate. Looking back at texts I was sending friends with messages such as,

"still no baby"

"Only 2 cm"

I should have known that things weren't going too well.  By 6 pm, I was only 4ish cm, but stubbornly insistent on going natural.  

At 2am (after 24ish hours of labor) I hadn't gotten any further and we chose to have a c-section. I was exhausted, baby was exhausted, and all in all my body just wasn't ready to give birth.

Nathan texted our parents and my mom later told me that at about 2:45 she felt an overwhelming peace - instead of the fear that something will happen to your child - a fear that as a new mom I am familiar with.

Gavin James was born at 2:52 am. After such an ordeal, something that Jesus understands as "sorrow" and "anguish" was immediately replaced with joy. A joy and a love that only another mother can understand. A joy that cannot be taken from me.

Right now.

Right now I'm sitting on my couch with a dozing baby on my chest.

Right now I'm staring at a blue tv screen because our Apple TV shut down and I don't want to move to reach the remote.

Right now I'm typing this on my iPad and I'm anxious to see what the heck this post will look like when I hit publish.

Right now I'm realizing that my husband and I have an apple problem...

Right now I'm exhausted.

Right now I wouldn't rather be anywhere else.

Right now I'm debating rather to wake this boy up for our nightly bath time ritual, but he's been so sleepy lately.

Right now I'm realizing that one day he won't fit so perfectly into my chest and from what everyone says that day will be here before I know it.

But right now I'm not thinking anymore about that.

Right now I'm smelling what I like to call his old man head because his hair is long all around the sides but he's sort of bald on top.

Right now his arm is twitching against my side and his legs are tucked up like a little frog. 

Right now I'm thinking about the cherry lambic in the fridge and wondering when I'm going to get to taste it, and if it tastes like Jeni's.

Right now I'm going to close my eyes, baths can always come later.