Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Rarely Sentimental

Nathan and I got married about 3.5 years ago and were engaged for a little over a year. That was a hard year - engagement. It's such a strange life stage.  Limbo between belonging to yourself or parents and belonging to your husband. I so badly wanted to get the ball rolling on wedding plans (even though we didn't even have a date at this point) that I bought a dress maybe about a month after we were engaged. 

I liked the dress. I never expected to have the "this is the one" experience when looking for it. I wanted something that would be simple and flattering, timeless, and "me". I think that first dress I bought was all of those things except the "me" part. And because of that it ended up residing in a closet at my parents house pretty much since I bought it. 

Thus, I just put it on craigslist, where I think prom and wedding dresses go to die. I doubt it will do much there, I think we'd sell it for $50 just to get rid of it. So we'll see. But thinking about selling a wedding dress makes me think of the one that I did wear.

And what to do with it. 

Could I ever actually get rid of my wedding dress? At what cost? What is it actually worth to me? I wore it on the best day I've ever had. The day that brought on the biggest change I'll ever experience. The day I anticipated, laughed about, cried over, and dreamed of. I still want to do one of those 5 years later and we still look awesome photo shoots (aka "trash the dress").

The veil that extended just perfectly past my train. The veil that whipped in the breeze. The veil I had to hold down with one hand while standing at the alter to keep it from flying into my dad. And the hair clips. After searching for weeks to find the perfect hair piece, and finding them the night before my portraits. The bright white lilies that contrasted with my dark hair and made me feel elegant.

The shoes...wait...I don't actually know where the shoes are...

Monday, March 26, 2012

A band Wife

If someone were to ask me what the hardest job I've ever had was, I'd have to say that it is being a band wife. 
- even with the 15 hour exam looming over my weekend...

Then they might ask why I said a band wife and not just a wife. Well I'm sure that every wife experiences something similar to this, but I think it might be more difficult for those of us with husbands in the music industry. 

For one, Nathan is always "music-ing". Stretches of silence, for example, when we are walking, automatically indicate that he is working out some new song in his head. Occasionally he might break out his phone to refresh something he worked on the night before and we'll walk and he'll work it out. This isn't so much a problem, just a detail that took a while to adjust to. 

Also, my first priority is to support him. Of course it is. Again, no different for most wives out there. The main difference is that he puts in the hours of a full-time job working on the band and his music without receiving any of the payback. And that gets old. I get it, it's a cut-throat industry, and not everyone gets a "break" but my main prayer is that God would bless his hard work and let him be able to do music professionally and have that sustain us financially. 

Band problems... need I say more. I'm pretty much going to always side with my husband, and always have an opinion about what should be done or said, but I can't say anything directly. Only to nathan, who might then voice some of that to the others. Truthfully, i don't have influence over the band, but what they do always affects me too. It's almost surreal sometimes how directly their decisions influence me, but I don't have a vote. Nathan always hears me out, but from the outside. It's a totally other entity. It's a weird concept that I still struggle with often, how I'm not a major part of this major part of Nathan's life. 

My job as a wife is a helper, so that's what I try to do best. And since the band is a major part of my husband's life, I help the band too. Hi, I'm a merch girl. This has a major pro/con aspect. Pro: I get to be directly involved in helping the band, which as I mentioned above, is something I really want to do. Con: I don't always get to partake in the actual show that is happening. I'm very thankful for the guys who have stepped in to relieve me of merch duty the past few shows so that I can watch nate do what he loves. Head bang. But seriously, he loves for putting on shows. 

Now I'm thinking about "School of Rock".

Friday, March 23, 2012

My Thief of Joy


Usually I overlook the self-motivating quotes that are bombarding social media. If they happen to be particularly graphically interesting, I might begin reading, and then my cynicism takes over and I'll drop it half way. I might even do a mental eye-roll...

And if we're (I'm...) being totally honest I even do it with verses friends post on status updates. I am a believer, so wait, shouldn't the Bible encourage me? Shouldn't I be super excited that a friend has found hope or joy in the Word? Shouldn't I scramble to read it so that I may gain that same hope and joy?

But again, I'll read it half way, and then drop it.

Wait is that a post about the Hunger games?

But this one, this quote, that I've seen several times by now struck me this morning. Comparison is the thief of JOY. And that's what I do all the time. Constantly comparing my blog, my followers, my clothes, my appearance, my skills, my intellect, my abilities, my marriage, my friends, my family, my accomplishments, my stuff - to other people's.

I call it my "social media dark place" I'll get so enveloped in what I don't have and my numerous shortcomings and go into a bout of depression, usually lasting days.

"Why don't they like me?" "Why wasn't I invited?" "No one cares what I post."

The truth is that comparison is robbing me of all joy. Of any thankfulness that I could have. Ann VosKamp in "One Thousand Gifts" calls it "eucharisteo"

  "life-filling gratitude"

When all I can see is others, comparison prevents me from seeing the gifts and blessing that I have. It's not caused by a mental disease that is real depression, it's a pity party. And it's a lie.

When I see words of encouragement, hope, and joy from the Bible, the truth is that it should strike me. If it doesn't encourage me it should cut my heart to reveal sin I'm in. But I haven't even been letting it cut. I've shut it out, overlooking, and in the back of my mind knowing that that is wrong, that it needs to be fixed.

I am sinful and need a constant reminder of that. Of God's grace. And this morning it took a quote from Theodore Roosevelt to remind me. I might be sinful, and in a constant battle, but God wants me to have Joy. I may not be part of the "it" crowd, but God wants me. I may not have many followers on the internet but what is that worth?

So that is now my prayer. To be thankful, and out that will come all the other fruit that my life is called to bear.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

On the Other Side

Well I took Section 1 practice exam last night and passed, but barely. I had a 4 point buffer zone...which is not good at all. When it comes to the real exam I will happily take a pass with 0 buffer, but until that point I need to get as much knowledge/memorization in as possible. Granted I started the test at 9 p.m. last night and rushed through it in an hour so I could go to bed. And I've already taken practice exam Section 2, and passed with like a 25 question buffer. I'm going to take it again tonight just as review, and to see how I do with material I haven't thought about in 6 weeks. 

But all that is not the point of the post. 

I'm so close to the end. a mere week away. And all I can think of is the things I get to do when it's over. 

1. I plan on getting ice cream Friday and Saturday night in Nashville. And I plan to finally experience Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream. I'm going to sample ALL the flavors, but I'll probably end up with a scoop of each one of these: 
Black Coffee
Goat Cheese with Cognac Figs

Reisling Poached Pear Sorbet
Wildberry Lavender

Seriously, don't they look amazing? <mouth watering>

2. Go and See "The Hunger Games". I'm pretty bummed that I won't be part of the crowd going to see it at midnight tomorrow night, but I didn't buy premiere tickets because Nashville has an IMAX, and that would rule to see it on a giant screen. Then I found out there aren't any viewings next weekend, as it's only in IMAX for a week, then everything was sold out. but I will go see it, hopefully Saturday night, even if it is a puny theater. 

3. Anthropologie. That's right. I'm going shopping. I used to always feel a little disheartened at the seriously out of my price range clothing at Anthro, until I found an awesome deal in store. I'm hoping to find some again. 

4. Do all those other little things: take the dog on some walks/runs, spend time with friends, go out with husband, have a yard sale, pleasure reading, attend bible study again!, cook, grill, call family/friends, work on all those crafts I said I'd do for my sister's wedding, maybe make some art, relax, sit in the sun, do some online window shopping, watch seasons 3-6 of Doctor Who? and whatever else I want!


Update: add knitting and learning to sew.


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