And I appreciate that.
Holland has a pretty large birthmark on the right cheek of her sweet face. I remember being in surgery and the doctor pulled her out of me and said so. "She has a birthmark on her right cheek" the doctor said, but I was so relieved to hear her crying that I didn't think anything of it. Then I overheard the nurses commenting on it while wiping her down, "What is it", one of them said. But Holland had taken a big practice breath full of fluid and was working on coughing all of that out, so my heart was occupied on praying for my baby's lungs. The nurses whisked her away from me to get her to the NICU and get the remaining fluid out of her lungs. For .5 seconds they paused and lifted Holland towards me, "Here's your baby mom".
No skin-to-skin, no nursing, just alone on the table for another hour. Then my family took turns sitting with me and visiting Holland with Nathan for the next four hours. Finally I was out of recovery and I was united with my baby.
The bright red angriness of her cheek had faded quite a lot in just a few hours. Her breathing was fine, she ate well, but in the back of my mind all I could think was what I had done to cause it. I have to admit I didn't take all my vitamins daily like I was supposed to. I missed my other medicine a few times. I took really hot baths every night to ease my RLS. What did I do to cause it?
I had prayed for a healthy baby, and I had gotten one. But how would life be for my little girl? In a time when physical beauty is praised how would she be made fun of? How can I protect her? Would everyone on social media blame me like I blamed myself?
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (psalm 139 13-14)
It's not for me to know why God gave Holland this birthmark. But He knew He was going to from the beginning. He has a plan for her story. It is only my job to love my daughter. To show her a mother's love and to help her understand the love of God for her. To comfort her when she's hurt and encourage her when she's unsure. To give her a supportive home where she is safe. To tell her everyday how beautiful I do think she is.
The great news is that we had a biopsy done of the tissue and it is truly just skin that didn't form correctly. No real reason why, just happens. No one's fault. A birthmark that will make our little girl stronger and braver and give her a unique story, all her own. It can be removed, and I want to share my story of that here. The process will start around one year old and take about two years to complete. It will leave her with a scar that one day might be faded and unnoticeable. Either way doesn't matter. She is perfectly formed, beautifully made.
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