Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Sweet Face

Most of you probably noticed, it's hard to miss, and didn't want to say anything. Or didn't know how to word it. Or like seeing anything abnormal wanted to give me, as a mother, reassurance that there's nothing wrong with her baby. 

And I appreciate that.

Holland has a pretty large birthmark on the right cheek of her sweet face. I remember being in surgery and the doctor pulled her out of me and said so. "She has a birthmark on her right cheek" the doctor said, but I was so relieved to hear her crying that I didn't think anything of it. Then I overheard the nurses commenting on it while wiping her down, "What is it", one of them said. But Holland had taken a big practice breath full of fluid and was working on coughing all of that out, so my heart was occupied on praying for my baby's lungs. The nurses whisked her away from me to get her to the NICU and get the remaining fluid out of her lungs. For .5 seconds they paused and lifted Holland towards me, "Here's your baby mom". 

No skin-to-skin, no nursing, just alone on the table for another hour. Then my family took turns sitting with me and visiting Holland with Nathan for the next four hours. Finally I was out of recovery and I was united with my baby. 

The bright red angriness of her cheek had faded quite a lot in just a few hours. Her breathing was fine, she ate well, but in the back of my mind all I could think was what I had done to cause it. I have to admit I didn't take all my vitamins daily like I was supposed to. I missed my other medicine a few times. I took really hot baths every night to ease my RLS. What did I do to cause it? 

I had prayed for a healthy baby, and I had gotten one. But how would life be for my little girl? In a time when physical beauty is praised how would she be made fun of? How can I protect her? Would everyone on social media blame me like I blamed myself? 

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (psalm 139 13-14)

It's not for me to know why God gave Holland this birthmark. But He knew He was going to from the beginning. He has a plan for her story. It is only my job to love my daughter. To show her a mother's love and to help her understand the love of God for her. To comfort her when she's hurt and encourage her when she's unsure. To give her a supportive home where she is safe. To tell her everyday how beautiful I do think she is. 

The great news is that we had a biopsy done of the tissue and it is truly just skin that didn't form correctly. No real reason why, just happens. No one's fault. A birthmark that will make our little girl stronger and braver and give her a unique story, all her own. It can be removed, and I want to share my story of that here. The process will start around one year old and take about two years to complete. It will leave her with a scar that one day might be faded and unnoticeable. Either way doesn't matter. She is perfectly formed, beautifully made. 

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1 comment:

  1. A lot of people have birthmarks. I have one on my left upper thigh. One of my first cousins has one on her thigh also and it has dark hair on it. One of the sons to a family friend has a large dark red birthmark that is from his right cheekbone, over to his nose and up around his eye. His parents chose to leave it alone. He is a wonderful young man. I know my Dad has a mark on his arm and he said everyone always told him that it was the Cherokee in him. Whatever happens with Holland, I am sure she will be fine. She is beautiful, healthy and most of all, she has love. Yes, some people can be cruel but she will be stronger because of this and because of the example that you and Nathan will set for her. She is blessed <3


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